The Torture Report: French Tickler Edition

I'm a big fan of action movies. The bomb is about to go off and James Bond has to beat the deactivation code out of the antagonist just in time. Millions of lives are saved and the good guys win! Popular shows like 24, Homeland, The Black List, et al use this motif repeatedly and it makes for exciting theater. The problem is, like gamma ray overdoses and radioactive spider bites, it does not work that way in reality.

Any argument in defense of torture presupposes that it works. It does not, at least not if your goal is to gain actionable intelligence. This is the age of the suicide bomber. Once someone has vowed to surrender their very life to a cause, what does their comfort matter to them?

However, if your goal is perpetual war, torture is a great motivator to keep your enemy fighting. If Islamic State, Al Qaeda, and the Taliban hired a top Madison Avenue public relations firm to craft a recruitment tool, they could not have come up with a better campaign than our own sad record of torture and human rights violations.

Torture is also a wonderful way to confirm information regardless of the facts. Jesse Ventura once said, "You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I'll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders." So if you want to link Saddam Hussain to Al Qaeda and no actual evidence of such a connection exists, torture has you covered! After just a few hours of simulated drowning you'll have all the justification you need to invade whichever country you'd like! Facts be damned!

President Obama was quick to point out that our intelligence professionals are dedicated public servants. That's really good to know, because when it's time to administer a hummus enema to an unsuspecting detainee, you want a true professional.

Sidebar: The top thing I wish I could unlearn from 2014 has got to be 'rectal feeding'.
"Isn’t it obvious that if rape is used as a way of getting information out of a person that we’re already in hell? There’s no further to go, there’s no further for us to decline.” ~ Russel Brand
I joke, but this is not a laughing matter. Torture is banned by our own constitution and many international treaties. Under these treaties, the prosecution for these crimes is not optional and it is perhaps the greatest failure of the Obama administration that these violations will likely go unanswered.

Besides, you can catch way more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. The next time we're engaging in the uninvited penetration of our enemies' buttocks, might I suggest a French Tickler?


  1. I would not be so quick to excuse Cheney from the Tate murders. He's capable of anything.

  2. Does O'Reilly's falafel fit in anywhere?

  3. Agreed 9:54


    Under a torture regime O'Reilly's falafels can fit in anywhere.

  4. great mellencamp video


  5. GB, when god said "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you," she forgot about the masochists.

  6. Maybe.

    Maybe not.


  7. GW, OMG, I can't stop giggling at that photo.

  8. That graphic is from Ms. Betty Bowers, the World's Best Christian! ;-)

    Certainly one of the funniest!


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